The Adventurer's Bureau

You were born under the promise of a great inheritance. Your great grandfather, the eccentric old baron, had locked himself in his manor after an eye-opening expedition to the Abyssal Realm. He stayed in the old manor for decades, isolated from the family he had attempted to (link-reveal: "raise.")[ (You must understand that ol' Great Grandfather Wilhelm had never put effort into anything else before. When he ordered his servants to change those diapers, it took every ounce of power in his body. It was the first time since childhood that he even cared enough to use his vocal cords.)] All three of his sons were killed; Bartholomew by troll, Wilhelm II by (link-reveal: "heartbreak")[ (When he learned his name wasn't actually "Willy", and that he was in fact named after his lazy old father, well his heart just couldn't take it!)], and your father, the aspiring adventurer, was killed on his first quest as he attempted to (link-reveal: "slay 30 feral geese in Woodsboro")[ (The poor fool tried to take them all on at once.)]. [[Next-> Intro 2]]

So that leaves you. The only heir to the Ruthburt estate. For years, you lived in a rundown shack in (link-reveal: "Mudsville")[ (Who came up with that name? Were they just //begging// for a shitty town?)], subsisting off of only cheap dried grains and the eggs of a malnurtured chicken named Great Samuel the Third. Until one day, you received a [[letter]].

The letter is printed through machines, not written by quill. You haven't seen this method of scripture before, and it's quite fascinating how clean and (most importantly) official it seems. "Dear, child of the son of Wilhelm Ruthburt We regret to inform you that your great grandfather has passed away. You will be receiving his inheritance shortly. This is an automated letter from the Department of Royal Inheritance. If you are unsatisfied with the quality of your letter, please write us back at-" The rest of the letter is far too smudged to read. You figure that's intentional. Your heart is pounding with joy. How will you celebrate? [[Sing halfling folk songs and dance around in your hut.]] [[Pay your respects to your poor great grandfather.]] [[Kill Great Samuel the Third, for you won't be needing his eggs any longer.]]

Frightening your faithful chicken as you spring from your chair, you begin to sing an ancient Halfling folk song: "Hey, hey, hey, a million gold coins for me! My great-grandfather died, I'm as happy as can be!" Such an oddly specific and applicable folk song. A [[letter->another letter]] slides under your door. Probably a noise complaint.

You sit in silence, wishing to pay your respects. And then you think about how many bloody cash he had on him! That old dirtbag was loaded, and you're getting it all! You start laughing and clapping, you lift up Great Daniel the Third and kiss him on his (link-reveal:"beak")[ (he bites you in response, but you can't feel the pain; you're just too happy that your great grandfather is dead!)]. The Gods see that you're in such a great mood, so they slide [[another letter]] under your door.

What an absolutely gruesome decision you've made! You're one sick puppy, you know that? To kill Great Samuel the Third, after all he's done for you, absolutely shameful! I hope you feel bad! I hope you feel very bad about yourself! As punishment for your sadistic tendencies, [[another letter]] slides under yout door.

You pick up the letter and begin to read. Another (link-reveal:"machine-printed letter")[ (How expensive!)]. "Dear child of the son of Wilhelm Ruthburt We regret to inform you that the entire shipment of gold has been compromised by a raving group of geese-riding goblins in Woodsboro. As of now, we have no plans to retrieve the shipment. This is an automated letter from the Department of Royal Inheritance. If you are unsatisfied with the quality of your letter, please write us back at-" The end is smudged again. They aren't even //trying// to be subtle about it. You curse these damn geese. First, they took your father. Then they take your gold. What shall you do about this injustice? [[Begin an epic quest to retrieve your inheritance from these maniacal geese]] [[Go back to making dinner and forget this ever happened]]

Right, fantastic. Where will you begin? [[Look through your father's old belongings]] [[Go to the local Adventurer's shop to buy equipment]]

As you attempt to convince Great Daniel the Third that he's capable of laying another egg, you realize that there's more to life than material things, and you're just happy enough with your quaint little shack in Mudsville and your faithful, friendly chicken. [[The End->Fake end 1]]

Just kidding. This sucks. You want your money. [[Begin an epic quest to retrieve your inheritance from these maniacal geese]] [[No, I'm serious. I don't need the gold. I'm happy.-> Real fake end 1]]

Fine, have it your way. (text-style:"bold")+(text-size:2)+(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[The End]

Digging through the old pile of junk out back, you happen to find a nice (link-reveal:"silver")[ (though "silver" is a technicality at this point, with all the rust and whatnot)] shield and shortsword. You also find an old, dirty loaf of bread. Do you take it? [[Why not? It may still be good.]] [[No, what?]]

Look, did we not just spend this whole first section establishing the fact that you are completely broke? You are down and out. Poverty-stricken. Badly off. Financially subpar. Fiscally deficient. You have no gold. Please be more realistic next time. [[Fine. I'll just look through my father's stuff. ->Look through your father's old belongings]]

You wipe the dirt off of the bread, and take a little nibble to make sure it's not stale. You feel one of your back teeth crack. Father's recipe. It's still as good as new! You place the bread in your bag. Hopefully you'll find some butter or marmalade somewhere on your quest, because it is quite dry. Feeling well equipped, you leave out some fresh dirt for Great Daniel the Third to eat while you're gone, lock the door to your shack, and exit the village to [[properly begin your quest]].

That sounds rather reasonable. You toss the old bread aside and go back inside your shack to grab some (link-reveal: "fresher food")[ (not by much, but at least there's no dirt on this stuff)]. Feeling well equipped, you leave out some fresh dirt for Great Daniel the Third to eat while you're gone, lock the door to your shack, and exit the village to [[properly begin your quest]].

As you start to head towards Woodsboro, you stop in your tracks as you hear the voice of your father. "Now, you must remember my child, that if you're ever to become a great adventurer like me, you can't just walk out and start slaying geese without any permits! There is an important first step that every adventurer must take. A rite of passage for all legendary heroes. [[You must first pass through...]]"

(text-style:"bold")+(text-size:2)+(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[The Department of Adventuring] (text-style:"bold")+(text-size:1.5)+(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[A painfully bureaucratic fantasy tale] (text-style:"bold","fidget")+(text-size:1)+(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[[Approach the Department]]

You approach the unassuming doors of the Mudsville entrance of the Department, a musty old outhouse with a polished gold plaque labelling the door. You're no architect, but you're pretty sure you can't fit an entire Department of Adventuring inside just one little outhouse. You ask yourself, //how could this Department have been constructed?// [[They could have built it underground...]] [[Maybe its an interconnected web of outhouses sealed together through magic...]] [[I didn't think that, I just opened the bloody door.]]

Oh, excellent point... Well, if there's stairs or an (link-reveal: "elevator")[ (that's a thing that can lift people up or down through advanced mechanics, if you're not aware)], then we'll know if you're correct. Let's test it out, shall we? [[Enter through the door -> Entrance 1]]

Ah! An interesting hypothesis. So what you're saying is that the Department might be made of many outhouses that, while incredibly distant from each other on the outside, is connected through magical means in a way where they all come together to form one large building? [[Yes, that's exactly what I mean!]] [[No, no, you don't get it at all!]]

Ah! A real go-getter, aren't we? You open the creaky wooden door and look inside to [[see-> Entrance 3]]

With no sort of expectations or preconcieved notions of the Department's architecture, you walk in and are greeted by a beautiful, grandiose room. The Department boasts a beautiful (link-reveal: "marble floor")[ which upon further inspection, seems to contain a full map of the known world, including Mudsville, who's location is wonderfully represent by an old piece of gum on its exact coordinates], and (link-reveal: "the single largest, most open room you've ever seen in your life.")[ It's much more than one outhouse large, at least. Maybe 20 or 30 outhouses, if they're all the same size as the one you just entered from.] Whether or not this is surprising or impressive is up to you. You really didn't give me much to work with.

Fantastic? Well, how about we test out our hypothesis and [[enter the door-> Entrance 2]]

Really? I didn't? Well, please explain to me! No need to type, or click options, just say it out loud so I can listen. [[But you wouldn't be able to hear me.]] [[Okay, I explained it.]]

Upon opening the door, you realize that you might have actually been correct! The Department boasts a beautiful (link-reveal: "marble floor")[ which upon further inspection, seems to contain a full map of the known world, including Mudsville, who's location is wonderfully represent by an old piece of gum on its exact coordinates], and (link-reveal: "the single largest, most open room you've ever seen in your life.")[ It's much more than one outhouse large, at least. Maybe 20 or 30 outhouses, if they're all the same size as the one you just entered from.] [[Walk up to the receptionist]]

No, not at all! I promise I can hear you! [[It's kind of creepy that you were listening the whole time and didn't tell me, but I explained it all to you. Let's open the door now. -> Entrance 2]]

Fantastic! I understand everything about your theory now. How about we test out our hypothesis and [[enter the door-> Entrance 2]]

The bad news is that upon opening the door, you seem to have been completely incorrect about your hypothesis. The good news is that the entrance to this Department is one of the most wondrous sights you've ever seen. The Department boasts a beautiful (link-reveal: "marble floor")[ which upon further inspection, seems to contain a full map of the known world, including Mudsville, who's location is wonderfully represent by an old piece of gum on its exact coordinates], and the single largest, most open room you've ever seen in your life. [[Walk up to the receptionist]]

You approach the receptionist at the front desk, a small old goblin woman with braided gray hair and a tired look on her face. "Welcome to the Department of Adventuring", she says with an (link-reveal: "unenthusiatic tone") [, which is so unenthusiastic that you're convinced she has genuine enthusiasm for sounding as bored as possible], "how may I help thee?" How will you approach this conversation? [[The Bureaucratic Method]] [[The Up-Front Method]]

"Good evening, madame! I would like to request a temporary Guild membership in order to obtain a Vengeance Quest Permit." You feel a metaphorical stick begin to enter your hindquarters as you attempt to speak with proper bureaucratic sophistication. She seems pleasantly surprised, in the same way a dwarf looks at you when you made a poor yet valiant attempt to speak their language. "You'll want to speak to our Vengeance Quest Specialist Sir Archington for a permit. He's in office 37B," she replies. [[Ask for directions]] [[Try to figure it out yourself -> To the Office]]

"A bunch of goblin-riding geese stole my inheritance in Woodsboro and I want to get it back." She sighs. "Hold on. Let me send for help." She writes a quick note in a piece of paper, and folds it into an origami bird. The bird begins to fly off into a small circular pipe on the back wall. [[Wait]]

"Oh, yes. Take the door to the left, and then take two rights, and then a left." You thank her, and [[head on your way-> To the Office]].

You wait. It's kind of awkward, especially since your conversation was so distinctly un-polite. [[Apologize for your rudeness]] [[Tap your feet and whistle to make it seem less awkward]]

You apologize, and she faintly smiles. "Oh, don't worry about it. At least you're not one of those barbarian types. Big ol' beefcakes come in, can't even form a proper sentence. Just 'ME WANT GOLD', or 'GIVE QUEST'. One time some big lizard guy came in, and just plopped a troll head right on the table, thought I'd just throw some gold at him and call it a day!" You both have a good laugh. [[Keep waiting-> Polite Keep Waiting]]

Did you really think that would make it less awkward? Really? Well, it certainly did not. "Please stop that," she says. You stop that. [[Keep waiting-> Rude keep waiting]]

You wait for another agonizing minute, and suddenly a paper bird flies back out of the pipe and into the woman's hands. "Sir Archington, Office 37B," she says. It's probably best that you don't ask any more of her. She seems pretty pissed. [[Try to figure it out yourself -> To the Office]]

You wait for another minute, and suddenly a paper bird flies back out of the pipe and into the woman's hands. "Oh, right, Sir Archington in Office 37B! You'll want to go take the door to the left, and then take two rights and then a left."

The door to the left is labelled "Offices and Conference Rooms" The door to the right is labelled "Planar transportations" This seems like a pretty easy one. [[The left door]] [[The right door]]

You enter the left door, and are greeted with a long, thin corridor of identical doors, and a ceiling that's just a little bit too high. The office isn't in this hall, so you walk to the end of the corridor. There is a branching path, two right angles to identical hallways. Which way do you turn? [[Left-> Hallway left 1]] [[Right-> Hallway Right 1]]

Okay, when the lady said "the right door", she did not mean "right" as in "correct", she meant the //direction//. Like, the door to your left. [[Oh. Sorry. I'll go back to the left door. -> The left door after you mess up]] [[Ooh, "doorway to the astral plane"? That sounds fun!]]

Distracted and entranced by this plaque, you [[enter the door to the astral plane]]. [[No I don't. This sounds like a bad idea, and I'd like to go back to the correct door. -> The left door after you mess up]]

Yes, there we go! That's the (link-reveal: "right door!")[Right door as in the //correct door// this time, not the direction. The right door is not the right door. Got it? Good.] You enter the (link-reveal: "left door")[ (the right one)], and are greeted with a long, thin corridor of identical doors, and a ceiling that's just a little bit too high. The office isn't in this hall, so you walk to the end of the corridor. There is a branching path, two right angles to identical hallways. Which way do you turn? [[Left-> Hallway left 1]] [[Right-> Hallway Right 1]]

Entering the door, you are jettisoned into an endless starry sky. You can see the stone walls of the (link-reveal: "Bureau of Adventuring floating through the astral plane")[ (Oh, so that's how they did it!)] Small, polychromic creatures swim through the sparkling black sea. You see spectacles of lights containing colors you've never seen before. You float through this wondrous world for months, and never once does it become anything less than an eye-opening, envigorating domain. [[Until the space-worm swallows you, that is.]]

Hey, it's a choose-your-own-adventure! There had to be at least //one// death ending. (text-style:"bold")+(text-size:2)+(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[The End]

I just told you it's an identical hallway. You remember what that hallway looked like, right? Good. Which way do you turn this time? [[Left-> Hallway left 2]] [[Right-> Hallway right 2]]

I just told you it's an identical hallway. You remember what that hallway looked like, right? Good. Which way do you turn this time? [[Left-> Hallway left 3]] [[Right-> Hallway right 3]]

Again, identical. [[Left -> Hallway left 4]] [[Right -> Hallway right 4]]

Again, identical. [[Left -> Hallway left 5]] [[Right -> Hallway right 5]]

Again, identical. [[Left -> Hallway left 6]] [[Right -> Hallway right 6]]

Again, identical. [[Left -> THE CORRECT PATH!]] [[Right -> Hallway right 7]]

As you turn into this corridor, the disorienting length makes you stumble backwards, dizzy. You squint until your eyes are basically shut, and you still can't make out an end. [[Walk down it anyways-> sleepy corridor]]

You walk down the corridor until you reach a dead end. Well look what we have here, it's Office 37A! That's the right one, isn't it? [[Yes, that's correct.]] [[No, that's the left one.]] [[That doesn't seem correct. Let's retrace our steps and start at the beginning ->Retrace to the left door]]

As you progress through the tunnel, you feel something strange begin to happen. (link-reveal: "Keep walking...")[ With every step, you feel your body start to lose energy. (link-reveal: "Keep walking...")[ You begin to slouch. The room is becoming darker. [[Fall asleep.]]]]

You reach the end of this corridor and find a map nailed to the wall, with every office listed. Why the hell is it all the way back here? [[Locate Office 37A-> Hallway right 4]] [[Locate Office 37B]]

There's a door at the end of the corridor with a plaque labeled "Exit to Mudsville", and a (link-reveal: "piece of parchment nailed to the door under it") [ (it reads: "Please relocate this door to the proper facilities in the Transportation Halls - Thank you.")]. [[I think we should retrace our steps and start at the beginning ->Retrace to the left door]] [[Screw it. Let's just go home.]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

For the third time, it's an identical ha- ''THERE IT IS!'' Oh, I thought you'd never make it! Here it is, Office 37B. The plaque is just as plain copper as the rest of them, but to you, it's a shining beacon. (link-reveal: "Those geese are //done for//.")[ Oh, yeah, the goblins. They're in some hot water too, aren't they?] [[Enter the office]]

Double-click this passage to edit it.

You wake up in an unfamiliar bed...an uncomfortable one, straw mattress, a wooden slab for a frame...cold, stone walls...metal bars... ''wait a bloody second, this is a prison!'' [[What the hell!]]

As you shout, an armored (link-reveal: "Dwarven man")[ (he's so short and so bearded that a lowercase "d" just didn't feel right)] comes to the cell and greets you. He explains that you were arrested for loitering on Bureau property, and were thus sentenced to 3 weeks internment. [["Wait, the geese migrate in 3 weeks!"]]

"Oh, you some sort of geese hunter? Real sorry 'bout that, kid. I don't make the laws, I just enforce 'em." (text-style:"bold")+(text-size:2)+(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[The End]

You walk in to a small room with a desk to scale, and (link-reveal: "the most typical, wizard-y wizard you have ever seen")[ (y'know, pointy hat, wispy beard, robes with a star pattern, all that)], crouched over a few papers sitting on a short, tiny chair. He looks up at you. "They accidentally gave me a halfling sized office," he explain with a smile that conveys nothing but poorly-concealed discomfort. "How may I help you?" [["Are you Sir Archington?"]]

Cheeky. [[<- -> Hallway right 4]]

He sighs. "No, I'm Dr. Astraeus. Sir Archington is in 37//B//, not A. You should take two rights and then a left to get to his office. Have a good day." He raises his left hand and snaps his fingers, and suddenly you find yourself back at the beginning of the corridors. [[Continue your search]]

//Wait, why couldn't he have just snapped me into Sir Archington's office?// you ask yourself. The answer is probably that he's an asshole. Well, let's get on our way then. [[Left-> Hallway left 1]] [[Right-> Hallway Right 1]]

Ah, here it is. Office 37B. Shall we? [[Enter the office]]

After a long walk, you find yourself back at the beginning. Let's try this again. [[Left-> Hallway left 1]] [[Right-> Hallway Right 1]]

You exit through (link-reveal: "the same outhouse door you came in through")[ (some strange geometry going on there)], and after a short walk through the village, you find yourself back home. You hope that another old rich relative will die and get you out of Mudsville. (text-style:"bold")+(text-size:2)+(align:"==>")+(box:"X=")[The End]